Family under attack … 083008

The family is under attack! There is no question about it that there is a well orchestrated plan to redefine the family from the traditional view that we all have held since the beginning of time. I am not one of those who is so narrow in their thinking or so conservative if that is even possible, to think that we do not have to revisit some of our long held views and reconstruct them when necessary.

I do know that what worked yesterday may not work today. Current times with all its changes, do dictate that we make necessary adjustment in our thinking process to accommodate those changes. There is no question about that.

Having said that, I also believe that there are some things that should not change no matter how culture or society has changed. These are the very fabric that holds our society together. When one start to take apart the fabric or foundation, it won’t be too long before all comes crashing down. Someone has said that the greatest fear that we face as a nation is not so much our enemies doing harm to us as much as we doing harm to ourselves. We will fall from within faster than from without.

You may by now be wondering what it is that I’m referring to. Glad you asked. I am referring to the attempt by some to try and redefine marriage from being between one man and one woman. This is one of those things that I believe should not be changed. It is one of those sacred institution that comes directly from God and should not be trifled with. This is not a man made idea. It is a God idea. Whenever we begin to change what God has clearly put in place, we run the risk of harming ourselves in irreparable ways.

I know this talk is old-fashioned and will bring the ire of some. It is not popular to make such statements now-a-days. It is not politically correct. Well, I’m sorry. If being old-fashioned and politically incorrect means standing on the side of God, then I gladly wear such label. I’ll be proud of it.

I can hear it now. “Such arrogance! such narrow-mindedness! Such a Bible thumper!” Well what do we say to those who are on the opposite side? Do we call them names or do we respect their opinions? This is in no way trying to circumvent such name calling. You will never be able to please all the people. Here is a rule of thumb: Please God. Please Self & Family. Then Others if possible.

Florida will have an opportunity to vote on this issue in November 2008. I hope all those who are pro-family will go out and cast their votes to keep this sacred institution intact.

Nuff said!

See the amendment here

Is this computer addiction? … 082808

Whenever I read an article or hear about teens out of control especially against parents or other family members, it evokes a number of emotions within me. My immediate reaction is generally the one that I have to refrain from expressing. It may end up being the one that I choose but sometimes its not and in hindsight I’m glad I restrained myself. Sometimes upon receiving additional information, I realize that I would have erred in judgment. Have you ever had this experience?

The case that I’m referring to is that of a Palm Bay teen who chased his mom with a knife and used a candy cane to beat his older brother. Did I say beat his older brother? Yes. I’m not sure if I would allow a younger sibling to beat me unless he was much bigger and stronger than I was, and even then I would try and exert “big brother” status. Whatever that means (lol)

Why did he chase his mom? Because his older brother, with mom’s permission, change the user status of the younger brother so he could not have limitless access to the computer. I assume this was a response to limiting his computer usage.

What strikes me with this immediately when I read this story, is where is dad. Would dad being there make a difference? I can almost hear a resounding yes from you who are reading this article but would it? I think for the most part it would but anger out-of-control tends to not care who is in the path. It clouds vision. It dullens hearing. It distorts thinking.

Thank God mom was not hurt. What now? I hope mom does not go and bail this son out of juvenile hall. Let him stay the full time and when he gets out, let him know that charges will be pressed and whatever the outcome, he has to deal with it. Mom needs to reassure him that she still loves him and want the best for him, which pressing charge could be the best thing. This is tough love.

I would strongly urge mom to not give up on him. Use whatever means she has, to get help for this boy. She should also not change her mind on limiting his access to the computer. This is no time to give in. Stay strong mom. I also commend the older brother and would encourage him to join with mom on this one.

This family should seek out spiritual counseling. This would couple the counseling with solid biblical truths that would be helpful to the family. An introduction to a relationship with Jesus Christ would surely not hurt. I do not know if this family doesn’t already have such, so I’m just suggesting this to them or any other family.

What do yo think?

Rare fathering moments among hip hop artists … 082608

“Fatherhood is not a right, it’s a privilege. Your children are the best part of you. I send my love to this new generation of fathers who have learned from the sins of the past and take a very active role in the lives of our childrent” – RAPPER TALIB KWELI, Father of two.

This sounds good Talib, I wish the stats supported your assumption that this new generation of fathers have learned from the sins of the past. I would beg to ask the question, “what have they learned?”

I must commend you for your take on fathering. Obviously you have the right approach and it is rare to see someone like yourself in your “line-of-work” having this mindset. If more are doing it, we obviously are not hearing about it.

It does my heart well to know that this thinking is still out there among hip hop artists. My assumption have come from the reports that we receive via the media about fathers in the hip hop movement. NOTE: I am very much aware that media cannot always be trusted. Most of what is reported would suggest that many of these fathers are deadbeats or have abdicated their roles as dads. They may support their children financially but they are not there in person to give that one and one, which is so important and necessary for children.

It would seem to me that Talib is seeking to change this image by his involvement with his children. I do hope this is the reality. I’m only making this statement from one report that I came across. I will stand corrected if and when I do come across other reports that suggests otherwise.

Disclaimer: This article in no way suggest support for Talib’s views, lyrics, or artistic expressions but an attempt to applaud positive fathering moments wherever it is found.

first time sex results in adult charge … 082108

In one of my previous blog entries first time sex leads to death, I talked about Jason Hartley and his role in the death of Neica Gibbs. As was reported two days ago (Aug 20, 2008), Jason is being tried as an adult and has been transferred to the adult jail. He is only 15 y/o. Whenever I hear that a child is being charged as an adult, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that concept.

I know this was what the family of slain Neica Gibbs was asking for which I do respect their request. No one knows what it feels like for them to have lost their young child in this manner. I cannot begin to imagine the pain. When people are in this pain they want to do whatever possible to have it alleviated. The measures resorted to at times may not be the most rational. I am not suggesting that in this case the request of having this young boy charged as an adult is irrational. However I do want to look at how helpful will this be to the family. Is it for a peace of mind? Is it to feel better? Will this bring satisfaction?

We know that nothing will ever bring this child back. No matter how Jason is charged will in any way take away the pain. It may console temporarily but once the “dust” is settled, the pain resurfaces.

This opens the door for the question, “how does it help by charging Jason as an adult?”

When I saw the picture of the boy in handcuffs and saw how frighten he looks almost like he doesn’t understand what is happening to him, I can’t help but wonder if this is the right decision – the decision to send him to an adult jail. Does a child suddenly become an adult because of a crime they commit?

Again let me underscore the fact that I believe justice must be served. But my only reservation is how it is served. I am torn!

Is there a time when one child should be charged as an adult? I am thinking of 14 y/o Michael Hernandez who slit the throat of his good friend Jaime Gough in 2004 in their schools bathroom. This he did through meticulous planning. He was unremorseful. Here is where it complicates matters for me. Michael intentional killed Jaime. I’m not sure if Jason intentionally killed Neica. Does this make a difference?

Final thought: would it be better to have a facility for these teens where they will be held until they reach adult age, and then transfer them to an adult facility? I think my mind could grasp that concept easier. How about yours?

Keep these families in your prayers.

Phelps goals reaps golds … 081808

The world now knows, Michael Phelps is the most dominant figure in Olympic history. No need for me to take the time to write what others have already done. You would have to be from another planet if you haven’t seen or heard some kind of news about this phenom.

What I want to do in this blog is highlight something that caught my attention in an article that I read. The article pointed out what Phelps’ motivation was in pursuing a perfect Olympic record. It must be underscored that Phelps became an Olympian at the age of 15 y/o. Look around at your average 15 y/o teenager; what are they after? What are they focused on? What is important to them?

The making of the person we see today and are cheering for, didn’t happen at 23 y/o. So many today would love to be where he is, but so many are not willing to pay the price he paid. There is a favorite saying of mine, which I have used with teens a lot is “pay now, play later or play now and pay later”.

Phelps paid when most of his peers were playing. Now he is able to play when most of those same peers are paying.

Here is what the article said that caught my attention: “Phelps is one who needs goals, and though he stated repeatedly that only he and Bowman truly knew what they were, he wrote them down, kept them in his head. If someone could win seven in a single Games, which Spitz did in 1972, Phelps figured he could surely win eight.”

Here is the clincher, he set goals for himself (vision) and then wrote them down, and kept them in his head. Sounds like something that I read from an author who wrote hundreds of years ago. Here is what he said: Habbakuk 2:2 “And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may [be able to] read [it easily and quickly] as he hastens by.”

Anyone who wants to succeed in life must have goals (vision) for their lives, write it down, and keep it constantly in front of them no matter how things are going.

Phelps needed goals to reach gold and so do you. Set your goals while you have the opportunity and more so while you are young. Parents encourage your teens and help them in this process. Don’t be surprised or discouraged if you have to do this more than once.

dads, listen up … 081408

News of an Army soldier’s death in Iraq came as a terrible shock to his father in Margate. Henry Mitchell had not even known his youngest son had joined the US military. This is one of the saddest sentences you may read.

This is not an article that I take pleasure in posting, writing, or discussing. It is very sad, but has a deep underlying message. “Dads listen up!”

How crucial it is for parents to have good relationship with their children. This cannot be underscored or emphasized enough. It’s so important to be up to date on all the things that you would like to say to the ones you love and care about, because we never know when we won’t be able to say or do them. (Read James 4:13-15)

I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like for this father – the guilt, pain, remorse, and all the other emotions that is flooding his mind. How can a father or parent live through this? How does one function?

The death may not be avoided or could it. Did Andre join the military because of the estranged relationship with his dad? No one will ever know and it really doesn’t matter why at this point.

However, with his dad’s moral and loving support, how different this could have been. Here it is that a son died not having spoken to his dad for nine years and won’t ever speak to him again. Whether this was a choice of the son or dad moving on with his life, the pain is still the same or is even more intensified.

Let me hastily say that Andre is a hero. He died defending his country and doing that which he volunteered for – fight when asked to. This is the primary duty of the military – fight. Every other reason is secondary.

Keep the family in your prayers.

Quote from the dad: “I tried to get in touch,” he said. “Maybe I should’ve been more forceful. They were my children.” Maybe? Hmmh! Dads, listen up!

baseball bat no match for a gun … 081208

there is an ongoing struggle between she says they say regarding the tragic death of 17 y/o johnathan fontanez.

johnathan’s mom claims her son was responding to what he thought were intruders and that the police didn’t identify themselves. her son grabbed a baseball bat and used it to hit the officers. it must also be mentioned that the officers were there to serve an arrest warrant against him for robbery and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. johnathan also tried to escape through a window.

why would he try to escape if these were intruders? was he going to leave his mom with them to defend herself?

the officers claimed they tried to subdue johnathan using tazer and other techniques, but because he was high on drugs, it didn’t phase him. they claimed that he not only assaulted them, but was struggling to get one of the officers gun. they had no other choice but to shoot.

the question is, “did they have to shoot to kill?”

the mother had pledged to the judge to have her son turn himself in as soon as he finished school. he finished but didn’t follow through. she didn’t make any effort to turn him in even if she could not get him to cooperate.

is she culpable in the death of her son? would you say she aided and abetted him?

there are always the “what if’s” after something like this happens. what if he had just cooperated? what if he had not fought back? what if he had turned himself in? what if she collaborated with the police to have him arrested?

lessons learned: cooperate with officers. don’t resist an arrest no matter what the circumstances are. get a lawyer if possible through whom you could argue your case. parents, do not try to cover for your kids when they have done wrong. yes it is hard to see your child suffer the consequences of their actions but it is worth it in the long run. the pain will be worse in the future.

keep the family in prayer no matter what your take is on the matter.

10 parenting tips from dr. leman … 081208

in his book “have a new kid by friday”, dr. leman gave 10 tips on helping parents being the parent they ought to be. When parents are willing to step up to the plate and not being a wuss [sic] as he says, then their children would be more willing to conform. This is beneficial for both parents and children. Parents have less stress and are able to manage their emotions more effectively. Children learn discipline, responsibility, proper attitude, behavior, and develop strong character. It becomes a win / win for all.

you can find these in his new book by the same name. Here are the 10 things he mentioned:

10 … be 100% consistent in your behavior … your kid needs to know you mean business

9 … always follow through on what you say you will do … no matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. never ever back down. don’t be a wuss.

8 … respond, don’t react .. use actions, not words. flying loose with your words will only gain you trouble. so close your mouth, think, and respond to the situation rather than reacting to it.

7 … count to 10 and ask yourself, “what would my old self do in this situation? what should the new me do?”

6 … never threaten your kids … the problem with threats is that our children know we don’t mean them, because we rarely follow through on them.

5 … never get angry … don’t let your children control your moods. the release of tension may feel good temporarily, but look what you’ve done to your child. if and when you get angry, apologize quickly.

4 … don’t give any warnings … your goal is to get your children to listen. listen once, hear what you have to say, and act on it.

3 … ask yourself, “whose problem is this?” don’t own what isn’t yours … you need to keep the ball in your child’s court. don’t take over what she should be doing herself

2 … don’t think the behavior will go away … kids won’t stop misbehaving on their own. they gain too much by it. you have to intercede and administer loving and consistent discipline.

1 … keep a happy face on, even when you want to … do something else

the book make these 10 tips more clearer. i hope this will help you in the parenting of your child.

so what do you eat? 7 things to keep in mind …080808

on this day when all the digits seem to line up, what better way to line up one of the most important thing – your health. all the buzz right now is about the olympics in beijing, china. all these athletes whose bodies for the most part seem to be chiseled out of a rock or some other solid matter. they did not acquire such physique simply by dreaming about it, talking about it, or wishing for it. they had to work very hard for it.

the question is, what about you? are you satisfied with how you look? are there room for improvement? well i will be the first to say i have lots of room for such and i am determined to make it happen. i may not look like these athletes any time soon but if i keep my focus, exercise, eat right, and encourage myself, then i know i will make it.

this is a proven principle that works for the family as well.  as long as their is hope, determination, perseverance, and lots of encouragement, i believe any family can make it.  of course there are the exceptions as it is with people’s body but for the most part it is possible.  i am a believer in this.  if i was not, i would not be doing what i do – a family therapist.

i recently read a blog on the topic above and thought it was very practical and helpful. in light of the fact that my purpose of blogging has to do with improving the family system, what better information to pass on than that which deals with food.

so take the plunge. read and begin your journey to your olympics today.

read this article

should she or shouldn’t she … 080708

i’m going to assume that donald pettit’s daughter had been planning her 15th birthday party for sometime. teenage girls tend to put a lot into their 15th or 16th birthday party. for the hispanic culture the 15th birthday for a girl is very special and important. it is seen as a rite of passage. i can just imagine what this must have been for her.

unfortunately her father was gunned down by some maniac in a parking lot of a post office in pembroke pines florida two days before her birthday. her 12 y/o sister witnessed this atrocious and senseless crime as she sat in the passenger seat of the car.

now the family is planning funeral arrangement for her father.

the question that poses a moral dilemma is this, “should the 15 y/o daughter celebrate her party?” i could hear someone say that maybe her dad would want her to do that.

what do you think she should do?

as you ponder this dilema, please keep the family in your prayers.